I have a very heavy heart right now. I’ve done some soul searching, and have made a decision. This is not an easy decision to make — and, after using this blog to be too personal recently, I want to choose my words carefully.
But here goes.
Right now, I am a very marginalized person. I am overqualified for a lot of things, but I am underpaid for what I’m currently doing. It stinks, but it is better than nothing. I now know that I’m not the only one in this situation. That’s just the way the job market in Canada is right now.
I am also turning 40 years old on Tuesday. Responsibilities increase with age. Right now, I have a responsibility to myself, and, unfortunately, I suppose it would be fair to say that certain personal financial needs are not being met.
For the time being, I am going to focus on things that will, I hope, allow me to thrive and not just merely survive (barely). I need to make a living wage. Right now, this is not happening for me.
Writing a music blog on top of a job that doesn’t pay very well is a hard thing. I was happy to help bands and musicians get, in some cases, their first press. That was a gratifying thing.
I was and am thankful for all of the bands that reached out to me here, and all of the publicists that continued to work with me. I really appreciated that from the bottom of my heart.
However, I need to be in a situation where I am thriving. I have learned very recently that society, as a whole, just doesn’t care about the financially marginalized. Society just doesn’t care, no matter what I say or what I try to prove to others. The only thing I can change is myself, and, perhaps, I had a good run and it is now time to leave the nursery, so to speak, and do things — such as connecting with my church community as a volunteer, which might lead to something better because dealing with human flesh seems to be the way you do things or improve your lot in life — that will help me get into a position where I will be able to thrive and actually be able to stand on my own two feet. It takes that personal interaction with people, perhaps, to make a difference. Being a bunch of ones and zeros hasn’t, unfortunately, helped me better myself in the sense of being in a position to stand on my own two feet.
To continue with this blog, as things stand now, would take a serious benefactor or benefactors with very deep pockets. That is a sad thing to say, but it is, unfortunately, true. You know and I know that it would seem probable that nobody would be willing to step up. In order to continue over the long term, I need to be able to be financially solvent. Right now, if I don’t meet my own responsibilities towards paying rent and for whatever else my living needs may be, I cannot be in a position to help others in this kind of space. Life might be unfair, but, as I’ve learned, that’s just “the way it is”.
As I’ve noted, I’ve learned that many people do not care about my personal circumstances and plight, as they are unwilling to change things or fight for me or help me better my position. So long as that is the case, it would be irresponsible for me to continue on here. I have to help myself first. If I cannot meet my own basic needs, then, unfortunately, helping others becomes something of a moot point. I would become a drain on a society that, really, and based on personal experience, just doesn’t care if I fall through the cracks or not.
It is time to play the corporate game. I’ve seen a lot of my peers go on to be vice-presidents of companies, while myself — a person who, I feel, is equally talented to do the same — is left holding the bag. Perhaps that might be selfish, but, if that angers you, consider society’s response. If society just doesn’t care about a music blog such as this, then I have to be in a position where society cares about my talent and experience. If that means putting a music blog into mothballs, either permanently or temporarily, I suppose that just has to be that way. That’s just “the way it is”.
If I cannot help myself, I cannot be in a position to help other people. Alas, that just seems to be, to repeat myself, “the way it is”.
So I hope you understand. This is not an easy decision, and as the title of this piece is subtitled, I do feel like a disappointment artist. This is something I loved doing. And I was happy to help. However, that means, in some ways, very little if I cannot afford to continue on as I have. One can only, unfortunately (but this is society for you), solider on in the way that I can for only a limited time. I don’t want to sound selfish at all, but if there is no way to significantly monetize what I am doing, then I’m being irresponsible to myself. Like it or not, but, given that this is just “the way it is”, society doesn’t give hand outs to people like me. It’s sad, but society just doesn’t care — in my experience.
So long as society just doesn’t care, then I have to do things for myself in terms of making society care about me so I can continue to have a roof over my head. So, again, that might be “playing the game”, whatever that might be.
I just cannot go on this way. I cannot be a marginalized person. Continuing on as such would mean that I’d be living on the street pretty quickly, and that would be helping no one — not myself, not society, not the bands I’ve helped.
It sucks, yes. I have considered myself to be a fairly generous person. But so long as society doesn’t want to extend that generosity in return, all of my efforts here are pretty wasted.
I’m sorry for that. However, that’s just “the way it is”. If that upsets you, consider ways of giving a voice and financial help to those who are marginalized. That’s not an easy thing — it’d be something that would take many, many voices to do.
But, long story short: I cannot continue on as things stand for me right now. I’m sorry, but, again, that’s just “the way it is”. I’m sorry for that and wish that my efforts were a little more appreciated in a monetary sense, but as long as people such as myself are left with nothing or next to nothing, then I, unfortunately, have nothing more left to give. That might be unfair, but, alas, that’s just “the way it is”.
Blame society for that. As long as people such as myself are under-appreciated in many respects, there is only so much that people such as myself will have to give for, unfortunately, nothing that would allow such people as myself to thrive and do well in life.
And that’s just “the way it is”.
Truly,
Zachary Houle